Have you ever noticed yourself going out of your way to meet the needs of a friend, family, or even a stranger? Or struggle to disagree with someone and avoid confrontation? Do you find it’s essential to be liked by those around you? If so, this blog may be for you or about someone you know.
WHAT IS A PEOPLE-PLEASER?
A people-pleaser is someone who will go out of their way to meet the needs of another person, often at their own expense. As a recovering people-pleaser myself, it took me a long time to accept that I was constantly prioritizing others’ needs ahead of mine. I was participating in unhelpful behaviours such as wanting to be liked by those around me, always trying to make my family happy, and gaining the attention and care I desired. As I embarked on my journey of unlearning, I found that people-pleasing is a very common problem…a problem that can often lead to feeling anxious, overwhelmed, and emotionally depleted.
HOW DO YOU BECOME A PEOPLE-PLEASER?
So, how does one become a people-pleaser? Research suggests that people-pleasing behaviours have roots in childhood (Li, 2022). People-pleasers are often trying to gain approval and connection from the relationships in their lives. Therefore, if a child felt that their parents, primary caregivers, school teachers, or mentors were not attuned to them, were more focused on their troubles, or misinterpreted or misunderstood the child’s feelings, they are more likely to engage in people-pleasing later in life (Stonebraker, n.d.).
If a child observes that the adults around them are often overwhelmed or unstable, they may learn that they need to adapt their ways of connecting with adults. One way a child might adapt is by learning to please the adults in their life to be seen and given love and care, and less likely to be abandoned or rejected (Li, 2022).
However, there are other components to consider, such as culture and collectivistic values. Many collectivistic communities value showing their love by meeting the needs of others in their community. The problem is that collectivistic values potentially take away a child’s ability to think for themselves. Also, children may struggle to create their own values and sense of self, leading to a child feeling disempowered and inauthentic.
HOW DO I KNOW IF I’M A PEOPLE-PLEASER?
You may relate to some of the points below:
- Afraid of being rejected or abandoned
- Find it hard to speak your mind
- Seek approval of others
- Struggle to show how you feel
- Often apologizing
- Fearful of coming across as “mean” or saying “no”
- Avoid confrontation or conflict
- Stuck in unhealthy relationships (e.g., give more than you get)
- Neglect your own needs
- Overachieving
- Need for control
- Perfectionism
- Low self-esteem
OK, I RELATE TO SOME OF THESE POINTS. WHAT CAN I DO?
Fortunately, people-pleasing is something you can work on! Here are some ways you can begin unlearning your people-pleasing behaviours:
- Realign with your values. Reconnecting with yourself and exploring the values that are important to you will bring you closer to understanding your own needs.
- Set boundaries. Setting boundaries means many things, including being able to say “no,” giving yourself permission to speak up, and honouring your own wants and needs. However, in collectivistic cultures, saying “no” may not always be doable. Therefore, setting boundaries may look different, such as having flexible boundaries that lean toward respecting the culture while meeting your needs.
- Practice assertive communication. Assertive communication allows someone to gain interpersonal skills that can lead to healthier relationships, able to manage conflict, and ultimately have a voice.
Lastly, something to note is that folks with people-pleasing behaviours also have positive skills, such as having a strong work ethic, being empathetically attuned to others, and having strong intuitions of what those around them are thinking, feeling, and experiencing. If you resonate with people-pleasing behaviours, know that you’re not alone and that acknowledging this behaviour is the first step toward making changes.
If this topic resonates with you, click here to schedule a free consultation today.
REFERENCES:
- Heppner, W. L., Kernis, M. H., Nezlek, J. B., Foster, J., Lakey, C. E., & Goldman, B. M. (2008). Within-person relationships among daily self-esteem, need satisfaction, and authenticity. Psychological Science, 19(11), 1140-5. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9280.2008.02215.x
- Li, X. (2022). How attachment theory can explain people-pleasing behaviours. Exploratio. Retrieved February 15, 2023, from https://exploratiojournal.com/how-attachment-theory-can-explain-people-pleasing-behaviors%EF%BF%BC/
- Stonebraker, A. (n.d.). What makes a people pleaser? Labyrinth Healing. https://labyrinthhealing.com/blog/what-makes-a-people-pleaser
